I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]