It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
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How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES