I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
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She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.