They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
when you order from DoorDastardly
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*