If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
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Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“Wait, let me explain..”
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
How wrong was this guy?
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”