one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.