ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
You Might Also Like
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
dictator is short for richard potato
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now