Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
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I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Oh boy, $150,000!
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.