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[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
How to wake up a Beagle
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.