This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
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*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.