Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
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My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.