Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
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Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Dead sexy!!
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.