Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
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One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.