Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
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How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out