Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
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When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.