lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
You Might Also Like
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix