Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.