Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
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jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
The little toadstool has spoken.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.