The news is so predictable nowadays
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ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
This guy gets it.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.