DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
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[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Note to self: always read the final line
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.