4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
When your man makes a valid point
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“I wouldn’t.”
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.