My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
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My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴