Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.