At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.