Golf would be better with landmines.
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Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Tremendous stuff
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!