Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Bike is short for Bichael.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.