Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
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“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.