Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
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Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.