Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
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You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?