Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
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“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest