This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
You Might Also Like
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.