Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!