My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
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me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.