DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
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So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do