My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
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He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.