17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
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[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Room with a view.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay