Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.