My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
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Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
I needed a laugh this morning.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders