Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
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I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I had to Stop for this
Peace was never an option
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”