When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
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got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Have a lovely day 😊
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life