I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
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Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Body by Oreos
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye