Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
You Might Also Like
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
there’s probably a fee though
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free