You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
You Might Also Like
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
[shakes fist at other fist]
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
A leaf blower, but for people.