Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
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When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
What my back needs