Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
You Might Also Like
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.