My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
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If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
How software testing works
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.