a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
The struggle is real.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.