Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
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Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Lmao
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Have kids, they said
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
me, too, girl. me, too.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks