WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
You Might Also Like
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)