love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Perfect.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.